I am writing this entry, but this story has been mostly dictated to me by my wife. She's been watching the Kavanaugh coverage as closely as anyone, and like many, she hopes that telling her story will help someone else.
The first time my wife was assaulted, she was 7. Her parents were recently divorced and she lived with her mother. Her assailant was her "step-father." She moved a lot as a young child. She doesn't remember the name of the school she went to in Kindergarten, or her first grade teacher, but she does remember *every* second of every time she was assaulted. Over the course of a year, her mother's boyfriend assaulted her five times. I'll spare you the details, but it started off "mild" if you want to call it that, and gradually escalated. The final time he assaulted her, he went too far and she began to cry. First, he got mad. He told her, "You never told me to stop. I thought this is what you wanted." Even at 8 years old, my wife was being conditioned to think that she wasn't a victim, that it was somehow her fault because she didn't ask him not to. Then he cried. He told her that he loved her and would never do anything to hurt her. Then he got mad again, and told her that if she ever told anyone he would take her mother away from her. So she didn't tell anyone for a long time. When she was in 6th grade, she finally found someone that she was comfortable confiding in: her pastor. This pastor looked into her 11-12 year old face and told her that she was going to hell because she lost her virginity before marriage. She's not real interested in going to church even to this day -- wonder why?
Without going into too many details, I met my wife sometime between the end of elementary school and the middle of high school. After we had been friends (and dated) for around a year, she confided in me that she was assaulted as a child. It's been a long time since the day she told me, but it's a day that I'll never forget. By this point, her assailant was long out of the picture; her mother had eventually realized that he was a slime-ball and moved on. I've never met him, which is probably for the best; I would likely be sitting in a jail somewhere rather than writing this blog post.
Again, being purposefully vague: we had an amicable split-up somewhere around the end of high school and rekindled our friendship (and relationship) sometime in college. She was not a partier, but she had friends that were. On one occasion shortly before we found each other again, she went with a friend to a party at a local college. Someone slipped something into her drink and she was assaulted again that night. She remembers bits and pieces of it, but she has absolutely no idea who her attacker was. This time, she didn't report because her memory was fuzzy, she was drinking underage, and she didn't think she could definitively ID anyone, anyway.
My wife was struck, because in many cases, her life experiences have left her in much the same position as Dr. Ford. We don't have two front doors, but she is extremely claustrophobic, and when we were shopping for our house we had to find one with an open-floorplan and without any narrow hallways. She is also very successful in her chosen field, and while she doesn't let her experiences define her, she does deal with some social anxiety (mostly around men) and mild-depression problems to this day.
Dr. Ford's testimony caused her the same feelings that it caused many survivors: she's spent the last two days remembering. She doesn't regret watching, but she feels the same profound sadness that I do that many of the men in those hearings couldn't give a shit less about Dr. Ford's story. She also made the comment to me that Kavanaugh's outburst in his opening statement reminded her almost *exactly* of her first assaulter. Less than 5 minutes into his comments, I got a text from her that simply read, "He's guilty. Watch the anger, and wait for the tears." Sure enough, she was right. The uncontrollable sobs started, but I'm not sure I ever saw any tears.
My wife knows that her story isn't unique; unfortunately, it's one that is told far too often. She is furious at all of the "If it happened, why didn't she say anything?" coverage that's all over social media. Aside from me, her pastor, and a couple close friends, my wife has never told anyone about her experiences. Her mother doesn't know to this day that a man she brought into her home spent the better part of a year assaulting her daughter. That's another reason she never reported; she knew it would break her mother's heart.
As a final message to survivors: we are so sorry for what you've been through. Just know, we believe you, we're here if you need to talk, and this assault does not define you.
Dr. Ford's testimony caused her the same feelings that it caused many survivors: she's spent the last two days remembering. She doesn't regret watching, but she feels the same profound sadness that I do that many of the men in those hearings couldn't give a shit less about Dr. Ford's story. She also made the comment to me that Kavanaugh's outburst in his opening statement reminded her almost *exactly* of her first assaulter. Less than 5 minutes into his comments, I got a text from her that simply read, "He's guilty. Watch the anger, and wait for the tears." Sure enough, she was right. The uncontrollable sobs started, but I'm not sure I ever saw any tears.
My wife knows that her story isn't unique; unfortunately, it's one that is told far too often. She is furious at all of the "If it happened, why didn't she say anything?" coverage that's all over social media. Aside from me, her pastor, and a couple close friends, my wife has never told anyone about her experiences. Her mother doesn't know to this day that a man she brought into her home spent the better part of a year assaulting her daughter. That's another reason she never reported; she knew it would break her mother's heart.
As a final message to survivors: we are so sorry for what you've been through. Just know, we believe you, we're here if you need to talk, and this assault does not define you.
I have so much empathy for your wife. I went through much the same thing. #MeToo.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry that happened to your wife but it's happened to me too I was molested as a child raped in Montreal by a rental agent but never reported until I watched D"s Ford testimony. I believe her 100% ,kavanaugh is a monster,liar he is not fit to be at the supreme Court. God bless all the survivors.
DeleteAt 15, I fell prey to a violent predatory rapist. I wrestled the knife from him, and ended up cutting him in the groin to get away. Long story, but The details seemed few, and I've only *really* been dealing with it for the last 5 years. Or so I thought. Because it was a way to support Dr. Ford, I too made myself watch/listen to her testimony, as well as his. Memories have popped back up, like flotsam on the jet stream. I had a long conversation today, with an old schoolmate, who had also experienced sexual assaults. We both had our reasons for not telling, we completely understood each other. As wonderful as my husband has been about this (he's the reason I started dealing with it), it was wonderful (read: cathartic, comfortable) to lay it out with someone who actually *knows*. If you have the appropriate empathy, you can guess and try to understand it. But you won't, you know that. I would suggest my time talking with my friend today, was perhaps the most important chat of my 55 years.
DeletePeace to you and your wife. Thank you for your empathy for her. Clearly, you are a good person. We need more like you. (((❤))) to your wife
I forgot to say, I didn't tell.
DeleteHow does that happen? It was 1978. I ran home with the knife, my mother passed out, probably after calling my dad. I remember a sheriff deputy speaking with my dad & grandad, and my grandfather merely telling me, "He won't ever do that to anyone ever again". I do not remember being questioned, and there was never a trial. Not once, not ever, did I say a thing. All the hushed voices... I felt like it was my fault. I was essentially uninjured save for lots of minor cuts and scrapes that were very apparent, but I couldn't stand the thought anyone would ask me, "What happened to you?" I withdrew. I came back after a bit, once I could legitimately make believe it didn't happen.
I knew I couldn't trust a n y o n e to tell them.
It was somehow my fault, so if I said anything, I'd get slaughtered. So in the box and up on the shelf in my brain it went.
I posted this to Facebook today. I hardly ever post anything but I have been compelled to say something.
ReplyDeleteI’ve told many people about my rape & abuse. Not because I dwell on it or want sympathy, but because even after all these years it still has a huge effect on my life. It has contributed to who I am. It is not all of who I am but a part of who I am. It has taken years to be able to talk about it and it is still extremely difficult to talk about. Most of the time I don’t think people really believe me. I don’t think they can believe that someone can be that cruel to another person, or they don’t think I behave the way they think I should for someone who has experienced that kind of violence. I also think it may initiate some introspectiveness on their part that scares them. One person told me after hearing my story he considered how he treats his wife and decided he needs to change.
I tell people because I want them to know it happens to people they know. I don’t care if they don’t believe me. My hope is the next time someone else tells them or is asking for help - they will hear similarities to my story and they will believe that person.
Kavanaugh behaves like the typical entitled male who is indignant because he is finally being called out on his abhorrent behavior. I don’t have much hope that he will suffer any consequences. One thing I am certain of from my experience – the abuser never suffers the lifetime of consequences the person they abuse does.
I tried to tell my story just now, but this week has been too hard. I will just say I support everyone who has suffered. I know your pain. I feel your pain
Delete#MeToo
hello Spectre...UK psychics?
DeleteLet your wife know that she is in now one of many on my list of prayers... I too was molested by my stepfather and my uncle simultaneously from the ages of 7 to 18 and was raped at 16 by a baseball player that missed his Farm Team bus and I gave him a ride home. He enjoyed a lifetime MLB career and was recently a former NYY coach. All I really need to heal is an acknowledgement and an apology. I can't get that from my molesters as they have gone to the other side... I'm sure you're wife would benefit from hearing just two simple words..."I'm Sorry" from her abuser and her attacker... I wish her strength to deal with this all of her hurt. She is blessed to have you as a loving, understanding and caring husband. The healing process is long and not at all easy!
Delete#Metoo
ReplyDeleteThanks to Mrs Angry for sharing her story
I am so sorry these attacks happened to you.
I posted about mine yesterday too, cos when I was 15 a man tried to rape me and I just realised that I don't remember how I got home. #Ibelieveher
I am.so sorry. And yes, you are right.
ReplyDeleteI'm 66. I don't know any woman my age who has not experienced an inappropriate sexual advance, whether groping or verbal, or often, an all out assault, in their youth. Men don't get it. I'm afraid they never will. I'm sorry for your wife, I'm sorry for all of us. We deserved better. And we deserve better NOW.
ReplyDeleteYou are so right, Tennessee!
DeleteThank you for sharing this. My very close friend was assaulted in this manner by her step father. It was the same threat...if she told, her mother would kill herself. If she told, no one would believe an eight year old. If she told, she would destroy the marriage. If she told, the family would be ousted. He would tell her it was ok because they weren’t related. He told her it was ok because he was helping her in her future relationships. To make matters worse, her friend’s father assaulted her at a sleepover....she was eight years old. The sexual abuse by her father continued through age 16 and she never told anyone. When her mother was finally told, she didn’t believe her and then she turned on her for upsetting the marriage. She grew up with confusion about sex and men....she couldn’t be intimate with men she loved. Her big sister has no recollection of those years as she blacked them out. She is now an alcoholic.....which tells you she has repressed memories.
ReplyDeleteYour wife isn’t alone. I can’t imagine the burden of carrying this.
I myself was in a situation with my third grade teacher who would call me to his desk and grind against me. I was shy and afraid of him. I was embarrassed, ashamed and terrified of telling on him. I threw my schoolwork in the trash and an aide found it and once again, called to his desk.....he was as creepy as all get out. This doesn’t compare to any of the stories but that incident, in the terror I felt, the helplessness, the lack of power, made me fearful and anxious at school. I was also ashamed because I thought I was bad for being singled out. I didn’t relay this incident until adulthood....well into my thirties.
God bless your wife. God bless you for sharing. The Kavenaugh hearing terrified me. His anger, his belligerence, his tears, his lack of compassion and self importance, made me sick....I felt a reoccurring feeling of being manipulated by someone who lacks a soul. It brought up so many other issues.....the ones that all women endure when confronted with a predator in the workplace or socially....that fear that something bad is about to go down and above all, the lack of control. The hearing has been a trigger for anyone who has felt powerless and afraid. Anyone who has been violated in ways that last forever.
Thank you.
yes, soul murder is what kavanaugh (and all you mention) was doing. thank you for that insight. he was disappearing all of us.
Deletehttp://movies2.nytimes.com/books/first/s/shengold-soul.html
Mine was 54 yrs ago...I haven't told my story so much since the me too movement...I'm 68 and it just never goes away...a pillow was put over my face...I'm afraid of the dark, I have PTSD, severe social anxiety, and panic disorder...my daughter and my room are my safe places...it just never goes away
ReplyDelete((((((kat))))))
Deletelove to you and yours.
ReplyDeleteI won't post on Facebook because I don't want my grandchildren to think me inappropriate. I didn't report because my assaulter was a member of one of the most acclaimed gospel music families in the world. I was 11. He was 43. I had a cold. He had a gun. My nightgown was flannel but not warm enough that morning. His robe was medium blue, lightweight cotton with white bias trim, 2 belt loops and a belt. Untied. Open. I heard new words...if you tell I will kill your mother. Later I learned new words...uncircumcised...repulsive...terrified...helpless...hopeless...alone...forgotten...adrift...lost...worthless...evil...abandoned. My stepmother died 2 days ago. My daddy uninvited me to her funeral. The last time I spoke to my best friend I told her that I would throw a party if Trump were gone...any way, anyhow...even if by assassination. Yes, I hate him and what he represents that much. She hasn't spoken to me since. One by one, the me that I am because of who *he* was ruins relationships. I hide. I withdraw. I am rarely truly present. I fail to nurture others because I don't know how to nurture myself. I have 16 amazing grandchildren. Most of them do not truly know me, just as I never knew that my grandmother loved me until yesterday when I saw a picture of her holding on to me so that I wouldn't fall. I was 3 months old. It has taken me 61 years to see that. I didn't report because when I finally *tried* to tell my mother (I said rape because I didn't know molest, assault, victimize, violate), she didn't believe me. She didn't believe me because I could not describe the shape or size of the birthmark on his right buttock. When I had daughters, I feared the day when they might ask to spend the night at Papaw's house. Thankfully, he drunkenly drove a motor home into a train before that day came. The crash cut a hole beside him, sucked him out into a cornfield, and a rear tire ran over him, crushing his skull. I sometimes relish that last tidbit when I remember the smug look of overpowerment he had on that face when she made me apologize to him for ever accusing him. And then she made me hug the man who would continue to abuse me until he died...and even now, 39 years gone. #MeToo #WhyIDidn'tReport
ReplyDeleteThat brought me to tears. Your anger is fully justified and felt by many of us, your sisters. I'm sorry you lost your best friend, but you found your voice and many, many of us agree with your regarding tRump. I am finding that as I approach middle age and the beginning of menopause that anger is my friend. I will no longer stand BS relationships, treatment or this f*^ked up administration. Don't worry sister, we hear you, we embrace you, and we will burn this MFing patriarchy to the ground. Lastly, when you are ready, tell your grandkids, they love you and will still love you. You are not at fault, THAT monster is responsible and he got his due.
DeleteSending love to you and Mrs. Angry. She is so very strong!
ReplyDeleteI could tell Kavanaugh was a chronic liar even before the allegations came out. Of course I believe Dr. Ford. I'm 60 and don't know a single adult woman without a "Me Too" story, some of which are absolutely horrifying.
As an aside, it was the Anita Hill testimony so long ago that caused my mother to remember her own childhood sexual abuse. She told me and her sisters. One of her sisters refused to believe her!
When are we going to actually hold the criminals accountable???!!!!
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ReplyDeletethank you to you and your wife for what you do for others, with this blogpost, with your twitter adn your desire to keep us informed on Twitter.
ReplyDelete#MeToo
ReplyDeleteI didn't report. He was a powerful doctor. My parents never knew.I remember the smell of him, the exam table, everything he did. I don't remember the place or year. Listening to Dr. Ford has brought back the PTSD after 48 yrs. Yes, he is lying.
I empathize with your wife. I was 15 when I was first molested, by the father of a friend. No one believes 15 year old girls, not when they are accusing an upstanding member of the community, a well respected OB-GYN (!). I remember what night it was (NYE) and everything about the encounter, but there's a lot else that's fuzzy. I quit a summer job at 17 when, two weeks in, my boss cornered me and kissed me, forcing his tongue down my throat. I never even got my first paycheck, just quit because I didn't know what to do. I don't remember his full name, or whether it was June or July, or what film we were supposedly working on or the name of the other employee but I remember his face, and his self pitying crying when I pushed him away. "I thought we had something" this 40 something guy said to a 17 year old who was excited to try to work in film. When I was 19, at a party in college I left with a man I knew, who I liked. We started making out but when he went too far, I kept saying no and pushing him off me, he'd back off and start up again, and over and over again, half holding me down, trying to get my pants off. I finally just...gave in. After I got up and got dressed and cried and the next day and day after, I just felt shame. Why didn't I stop him, scream, run out? I think it was because I wanted to like him, and I wanted him to like me, not just use me. and I felt shame because I 'let it happen,' not understanding that my repeated "nos,' my "please stops" were the opposite of consent. When I saw him 2 days later, he asked me what happened--he couldn't remember, he was so drunk. I was so ashamed then I thought I would die. That was the last time until my senior year I did anything with a man. When I was 22, I went on a first date and he asked to come in my apartment use the bathroom. He became violent, aggressive, pushed me against the wall and pulled my jacket off. I don't remember his name. I remember the mean look on his face, the zipper on his brown leather jacket scraping me, his sour whisky breath (he had been drinking before our date I realized) and the terror I felt that he was going to rape me and beat me up. I screamed, fought, and threw his wallet and keys outside the open window-- after screaming profanities at me, the guy left. I didn't call the police, I didn't know anything but his first name, and I was scared and felt stupid. . Today I would do it differently, but as a young woman, I was scared no one believed me, that I didn't have "proof" because I wasn't physically raped.
ReplyDeleteIn all these cases, I remember the incidents themselves with a mixture of sharp clarity and blurriness. And I carried shame and fear around me for years, and fled relationships, one after another, not believing myself worthy of love for who I was, and terrified of intimacy. Watching Ford testified brought it all back, as it has for pretty much every single woman I know. And to have 50 percent of the population traumatized and then have the GOP just say "fuck you, we don't care" made it feel even worse than the day after the election.
If anything good comes out of this, besides a November "fuck you too", I hope it is that a new generation of men and women understand consent--actively seek it out, and maintain their boundaries. Both my 6 year old daughter and 8 year old boy are learning to establish boundaries and to respect others' boundaries in a way I never was.
I was very protective of my children--male and female--because I knew that the world wasn't a safe place, and even less safe once you are a single mom. The kids didn't spend the night with many friends, because even the most "pious" church-going parent can be an abuser (and I had friends who were assaulted at sleepovers). I didn't allow men to sleepover with me when my kids were in the house, because stepfathers/boyfriends were one of the most common assaults my adult friends discussed/admitted/feared. Because I knew that my kids' safety was more important than trusting someone who could alter their lives forever. I don't know a SINGLE woman who hasn't been triggered this week. I thank God my kids made it out of childhood without an assault (at least as far as they will tell me), but I know that for my daughter, such a thing is always a possibility. For myself, my friends, my kids, for anyone who doesn't have POWER, assault continues to be a problem. And it breaks my heart.
ReplyDeleteThanks for telling your story.
ReplyDeleteFirst, my deepest empathy with your wife. I am a survivor of one of those college party assaults that is so unprosecutable and yet so destructive. Luckily, I also have a loving husband who has known and accepted this about me for years and has known in advance how hard hearing all of this would be. Second, I have followed you on Twitter for quite some time and thank you for your humor and your honesty.
ReplyDeleteMy deepest sympathy to your wife.
ReplyDeleteI am a gay male, and I've been sexually assaulted by a few guys. The first one, I let my roommates friend sleep on my bed one night because he was trashed beyond recognition (I slept on the floor). After I fell asleep, I woke and realized my roommates friend was giving me head. Thankfully he realized I was not interested in anyway and stopped. I left the room and slept on the couch.
The second time, I was out with friends, and a friend of a friend thought I was cute, he was all over me all night and at one point at an after party, he unzipped my pants and attempted to give me head. He had me cornered against a wall and I didn't want to physically push him off of me for fear of an assault charge or something. So I stood against the wall feeling exposed and uncomfortable for about twenty minutes. He jerked off and came while trying to give me head. I couldn't get hard, so he gave up and left for another after-party. I'm super uncomfortable if I'm ever around him now. Thankfully I havent seen him anywhere in over a year.
Ohhhhmaaan...I'm so sorry this happened to your wife. It happened to me too. As a small child. I'm 53 now and still deal with the effects. I didn't send a text when Kavanaugh got angry but my first thought was "Holy shit. He's guilty. He'll be cryin' in a minute." We survivors seem to know, no matter who it is or where they are. Tell your lovel wife thank you for sharing her story. I believe you. It wasn't your fault. Hugs to you both.
ReplyDeleteThank you to Mrs. Angry (and you) for sharing her painful story! I was molested many times by many people when I was a child, and it's a hurt & shame that never goes away. Watching Dr. Ford testify broke my heart & was very triggering, but I wanted to support her by listening to every word. As soon as Kavanaugh began his unhinged diatribe of persecution, outrage & tears, I knew he was guilty. It was so disturbing to watch him that I mostly had to avert my eyes, though I kept listening. It was so triggering because his self-pitying rage & belligerence were so similar to my abusers. But I thought at least every senator & every person watching on TV can now see how horrible a person he is and will never vote for him. Instead, people like Lindsey Graham doubled down on the ridiculous outrage & persecution complex. And every Republican still voted for him! It has been deeply crushing to my spirit to watch this unfold. To see Dr. Ford's courage and vulnerability and then see her trashed & her testimony ignored because it's not politically expedient reminded me that most men still see women as expendable, unimportant, and unworthy of being safe or treated with dignity. It's sickening and infuriating brings me to despair. We still don't know if Kavanaugh will be on our Supreme Court for the next 30 years, but despite his obvious awfulness & unfitness, it's still more likely than not that he will be confirmed by our Senate. How will we women survive??
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